Do opposites attract? The answer is a resounding NO! Similarity attracts, also how much we think somebody likes us, their looks and how comfortable we feel when we’re with them. So why do so many neurodiverse (ND) and neurotypicals (NT’s) get together?
NT Women and ND Men:
NT women say they were attracted to their future ND partner’s kindness and attentiveness when they first met. They describe men who were great listeners and seemed to dote on their every word (the strong, silent type).
They might say, “At first, I thought he was a bit awkward and lacking in some of the social skills. I just thought he was a bit shy, and that made me like him even more! I figured with a bit of love and understanding, he would become more confident. He also seemed really smart; he had a good job working in IT, and he couldn’t do enough for me when we dated”.
ND men and women often enjoy a hobby or special interest to the exclusion of other interests. In the early days of a relationship, their NT partners put this down to ‘boys and their toys’ or think it’s cute.
Another facet of the ND makeup is their strong sense of social justice. This together with their strong moral convictions are to be admired. Christian women in particular note that their partner was a man of conviction who wasn’t afraid to speak the truth.
As a woman, I can understand how great it is to be desired. But if a man is respectful of my body, giving me time and space I can’t help but feel valued and respected. I think “oh this guy actually likes ME, not just my body”. On the other hand, the ND men being more drawn to empathetic women are enjoying their reciprocal kindness.
The search for a partner can become an ND’s special interest, and he will pursue a partner with a determination that is hard to resist. Being relentlessly pursued by this wonderful new man helps NT women look beyond some of the niggling doubts they might have about the relationship.
ND Women and NT Men:
The NT/ND attraction crosses all genders, and just as NT women fall for ND men, so do NT men fall for ND women. He finds her shyness alluring and brings out his protective instincts. Men are more visual than women and so physical attraction will dominate, but he will also be drawn to her honesty and straightforward manner. Alternatively, her emotional aloofness may remind him of his Mum.
While ND men tend to seek a partner that accommodates their difficulties with social situations, ND women tend to seek partners more similar to their own personalities. They are more comfortable with someone who doesn’t have great social skills and who doesn’t seek physical intimacy as much as NT men.
The LGBTQ+ Factor:
Up to 35% of people on the autistic spectrum identify as gay compared to 4.5 of NT. Additional difficulties appear in these relationships as the ND partners belong to not just one, but two marginalised groups.
Expectations
We come across more heterosexual women struggling with their NT/ND partnership because they bridge the gap between the NT world and their partner. They will be their partner’s voice in social situations. NT women say they have a wonderful dating/honeymoon period, but when life hits (especially the arrival of children), they feel they carry the brunt of adult responsibilities.
In contrast, ND women attracted to men with similar characteristics and marital expectations find greater success in their relationships. Because of this common outlook, these partnerships look different to the way marriages are commonly portrayed and there is no expectation that they should fit into society’s restrictive rules.
The Small Print
These conversations are difficult because, for the people impacted, these situations raise daily, raw emotions. My blog aims to promote understanding for NT & ND individuals experiencing relational difficulties. Some generalisations are unavoidable. We are all individuals, what is 100% true for one person is 5% true for another. Be assured of my best intentions at all times. If you wish to challenge my thinking, I am open to hearing new perspectives. Please use the contact form to get in touch or leave. a comment below.